The View from the Sunny Side

Our summer has been pretty tame so far..excluding 4th of July weekend...which found us doing a little river kayaking.

2011-08-07T15:52:00.000-07:00

Too late I remembered the warnings about staying out of the raging rivers this summer d/t the flood stage torrents. I remembered that approximately/ precisely when I tipped over while pushing away with the paddle from a jagged rock outcropping to prevent a head injury. This particular part of the river is called "the rapids" (ya think?). It passes by a bit of a bend, the outer curve of which is bounded by a few hundred feet of sheer rock cliff at least a hundred or so feet high. (It seemed that high to me!) There is no shore on that side, except for a little space where a crack in the cliff has made a crevice for rock and land slides. There are areas where the rocks have worn away and the current rushes underneath the rock face. I did NOT want to get swept "underneath" and managed to pull out on the land and rock slidden area. Boat and shoes were washed down stream. Interestingly, the boat eventually floated back to me. Waterlogged and submerged-too heavy for me to lift it out. Useless!

Mr. Sunny did not kayak this section with me. He does not like to get wet. He was to meet me downstream. But, I knew he'd come back looking for me. This I know from decades of experience with the man. Also, I have kayaked this section of the river before and he can't help himself from keeping an eye on my progress from the other side. So, I confidently settled on the landslide and waited for him. Shortly he appeared on the other side solemnly surveying the situation. Water was too loud to communicate any way much beyond hand signals. I pointed questioningly up the crevice. To my estimation it was the only way out excluding helicopter rescue. He shook his head and held up a finger for me to wait for him. As if I had a choice. Raging river in front of me and rock walls on either side. But, I nodded my agreement and hummed to pass the time. Snatches of a little song one of our Sunny boys likes to sing and play on the piano flitted through my mind.
"Tra la la la. As if you had a choice".

Iit was actually a bit ROMANTIC waiting for my hero to pull off the rescue. Sometimes when we are NOT together I'm feeling the love as if he is right by my side. ("Even if you cannot hear my voice, I'll be right beside you dear".) I knew if he had a breath in his body he'd get me out of there. Of course, in case anything happened to HIM meantime, it was getting towards dusk and I was contemplating the possibility of a long cold night in my soaked clothes. I began debating the value of trying to dig a hole to burrow down in. I contemplated the possibility of death and knew that I had already experienced more blessedness in life than most.

Meanwhile, a lady fishing on the other side had noticed my plight and sent HER husband for help. She was trying to holler encouragements across to me. I shouted back word by carefully enunciated word "If. I. die. Tell. my. husband...at. least. I. died. in. love." etc. I knew she couldn't really hear me but we were communicating anyway. She was gazing helplessly at me when she glanced up to the top of the cliffs with a smile of relief. I knew he was up there. Pretty soon some rocks slid down the crevice. I was hoping he wouldn't slide down next! Honestly I still was still humming and not a bit scared. ("I know we'll make it anywhere-Away from here").

To shorten the story, we didn't have any rope in the SUV, so, he shows up with a dog leash. He emptied the boat and tried to push it to the now-larger group of on-lookers on the other side, but it circled back under the cliffs. We hooked the dog leash on my life jacket so he could help me up the crevice in the cliffs. OK, we also have a history of me NOT being able to manage cliffs, heights, slippery steep areas...I am afraid of heights and he has had to haul my hiney over them many times. Well, it wasn't working for him to haul me up by the dog leash. I'm almost as heavy as him and I figured if I slipped it would pull him down too. So, he got behind me and let me tell you, With the exception of fainting in terror and knocking the husband behind me off the cliff, climbing up the canyon was the very last thing I wanted to do, but, there was really no choice. I wanted VERY much to "lose it". So, I had to hum and talk and sing to distract myself.
("I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say
Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid..")

We had one bad little moment where I grabbed a boulder and it broke loose. I was pushing the boulder so it wouldn't hit his head and he was pushing my butt until we got past and it crashed on down. Oh, it was high excitement for sure. He had strategically hooked another dog leash to an exposed root and that helped for pulling ourselves up. When we got to the top he snorted when I bragged "I wasn't a bit afraid. I knew you'd get me out of there." Now we had to hike down the mountain over sharp rocks and pine cones on my bare feet * to get down to the flat place where he had tied up the other boat and a raft. We paddled across, climbed up the embankment to the waiting car, and all the danger was over. We got our boat back too. While we were at the top of the cliff the folks on the other side shouted up that they had gotten it the next time it circled out in the current. I did not go with him back for it. As the adrenaline died down I began to realize that I had broken a toe sometime during the event, so, I sat in a kayak and waited -thankfully**

(*About that painful hike down in bare feet: I dropped back and kept my whining low because I didn't want him to get any ideas about CARRYING me down. The last time he tried to carry me down a mountain was in jubilation right after I (finally) agreed to marry him and he tripped on a loose root and like to dropped me..well, I just didn't want to risk a broken neck on top of everything else.)

** we'll prob never be anything less than thankful for the better-than-it-could-have-been outcome of this bonding-type experience.

From FB days

2011-04-28T13:04:00.000-07:00

It's true about a melody

Bringing back the memories

Sometimes even certain rhymes

Take us back in place and time.

Just a little (you know who)

Can make me feel all Close-To-You

Rememberin' how we'd dance and sing,

And, "How is every little thing?"

No, we can't be sixteen again.

But, when that "Song Remembered When".

YOU were the one I thought of then.

And, suddenly - SIXTEEN AGAIN!

Gratitude

2011-03-18T21:52:00.000-07:00

The previous post was incorrectly billed as the very first post of this blog.
The actual "very first post" on this blog was lifted from
http://www.gratefulness.org/t/simple.htm

And, here it is again-gratefully

Gratefulness and simple living go hand in hand. When we are grateful, we appreciate life’s free gifts: friendship and solitude; movement and rest; Nature’s bounty and her spare winter introversion; our own alternating sonata movements of joy, sorrow, and joy’s resurgence. Through this appreciation, we find contentment.

This process is the polar opposite of needing more and more things. Our society lures us into escalating discontent. Before we even enter kindergarten, many of us soak up thousands of ads. These ads lead us to believe we’re insecure (so buy this insurance), lonely (how about this mouthwash?), and dissatisfied (but this BMW will make all the difference). We easily get sucked into a whirlwind of unfulfilled desire. Hoping it will pick us up and carry us to a place of no want, we instead find ourselves dizzied by its faster and faster spin. Our fear that we’re somehow incomplete just adds to the velocity.

Gratefulness calms this storm. It allows us to see that what we truly want is already right before our eyes. So many things we consider superfluous – music, the shade of a maple tree, a heartfelt hug – provide raw material for full enjoyment of life. After all, “superfluous” means an overflowing bounty.

When we give ourselves over to this bounty, we begin to simply live. We discover what’s “enough” in our life, which frees us to gratefully share life’s goodness with our sisters and brothers around the world. *

* something to think about with the current situation in Japan

This blog's very first post--again

2011-03-02T22:33:00.000-08:00

Intoductory Essay: A web page about forgiveness

by Dennis Rivers

from the Journal of Cooperative Communication Skills

Issue Ten, Spring 2002

"World events don't wait until we are ready before presenting us with giant challenges. In my view, forgiveness, or the lack of it, has become one of the central crises and giant challenges of our time. Around the world, cultures in collision are locked into escalating spirals of injury and retaliation, armed with ever-more-lethal technology.

Can anything interrupt their (and our) headlong rush toward mutual destruction; can anything make a space for something new to happen? On a more personal level, many individuals who have been abused, either by their families or by the institutions that were supposed to protect them, struggle to free their lives from the burden of overwhelming resentment.

What hope is there for the healing of such lives? And even before September 11, it seems to me that America was heading into a forgiveness crisis. Two million people are incarcerated in the United States. And 1.2 million of them have not hurt anyone but themselves (through drug and alcohol abuse)! The Governor of Washington recently quipped that if incarcerations continue to increase at the current rate, by the year 2050 every person in the state of Washington will either be in prison or work for the prison system! And yet politicians around the country continue to promote their popularity by playing on the public's fear of criminals and passing laws that require even more punishment, no matter how many lives, families and school budgets are wrecked in the process.

It seems clear to me that our sense of justice needs several counterbalancing attitudes to keep from going seriously off the track.

One of them is forgiveness. These kinds of sorrows have sparked a recent worldwide movement toward forgiveness, bringing face to face the families of murder victims and those convicted of murder, torturer victims and those who have tortured, oppressed indigenous peoples and those who have oppressed them, all driven by a pain that justice promises to answer but does not.

And around the world there are small but significant experiments with restorative, rather than punitive, justice. These encounters and activities may be rare now, but they set precedents (and show human possibilities) that could change the world.

This movement toward forgiveness, a fragile development in the context of today's conflicts, needs everyone's help and participation if it is to grow and become a permanent part of life on planet Earth. This is a difficult moment for the forgiveness movement. People around the world are at this very moment being asked to support what could become a permanent state of global war, rooted in the need to punish evildoers. This is, to put it mildly, a serious predicament. One must both plead as a person and demand as a citizen, I believe, that everyone think harder about alternatives.

While I certainly agree that we must try to prevent and restrain people from committing acts of violence, I am wary of President Bush's new role as a theologian, pressing us to join a new campaign against evil around the world. Forgiveness is about starting over, not about getting even. Because the idea of getting even is one of humanity's most enduring illusions, leading, as it does, to an endless round of attack and counter-attack.

My first concern about the current campaign against evil is that ideas of the "evil other" can and do blind people to how they may have contributed to their own difficulties. In the current instance, Mr. Bush himself has already publicly acknowledged that American policy decisions played a central role in Afganistan's collapse into chaos and terrorism. Perspectives as varied as Buddhism, psychotherapy and biology would counsel us here that a large part of our survival power is the power to recognize our own mistakes, so that we can change our behavior and not repeat them. So the question today is not just one of better security at airports. The question is how did the United States' support of militant hate groups in Central Asia in the 1980s sow the seeds of the current tragedy. And where are we sowing similar seeds today.

My second concern about a campaign against evil is that if we imagine our power to be only the power to out-bomb the evil bombers, out-shoot the evil shooters, and out-kidnap the evil kidnappers, then we will condemn ourselves to a national life focused primarily on violence, and we will become more and more like the people we have labeled as evil. Jesus set the example of this when he asked God to forgive those who were killing him. The issue was not the executioner's worthiness of forgiveness. The issue, I believe, was that Jesus refused to join the haters in their hatred.

Thus, in reflecting on all of this, I can't believe that a "campaign against evil" is the best we can do, we humans. And, I understand how difficult it will be to do something really different. It looks to me as though we need some deep visions of new possibilities...

There are many institutions in the world that are promoting the practice of forgiveness, many wonderful books on the topic, and hundreds of essays and papers on the web about forgiveness. (All we need now is millions more people, living it more completely.)"

This cool comment in the footnotes of the Harper's Study Bible makes a nice postlude.

First it lists three New Testament references denoting "love as the governing principle of life".

Romans 13:9 "Love your neighbor as yourself".

Romans 13:10 "Love does no wrong to a neighbor".

And, the Golden Rule of Matthew 7:12 (to paraphrase) "Treat folks like you want to be treated."

Then it states, "The proper use of these principles in the relationships of men personally, nationally, and internationally would resolve most of our tensions and disputes".

Oh yeah, I think so!

This Poem needs naming

2011-01-15T23:24:00.001-08:00

Was it by "chance" that your eyes met mine?
That last little glance,then,..both left behind.

I wanted to stay
Forever that way.
But, what couldn't last
Was finished too fast.

Don't ever look back
on our bitter-sweet past
with any regrets.
But please don't forget
our bitter-sweet past
that finished too fast.

Don't shed any tears
for all the lost years.
I'll never forget
what my heart can't regret.
It's sad to forget,
but worse to regret.

I still see your face
in that special place
that time can't erase
or ever replace.

I'll always love you. And, part of me too,
will always be true to memories of you.

I Can't Stop Loving You (It is Quite useless to try)

2011-01-14T21:37:00.000-08:00

DMIL has developed an interest in senior citizen aquatics. Since she doesn’t drive I’ve been providing transportation. Since she doesn’t swim either, (and eye-witnesses have tattled that she has supposedly almost drowned twice) I’ve taken to suiting up and hopping in the pool with her just to keep an eye on things. I don’t join the class though. It’s too boring. All they do is walk back and forth in the shallow end waving their arms in rhythm to the music. No, I find myself gravitating to the rabble rousers at the back who basically ignore all the teacher’s instructions and spend their time having water fights, racing to the edge of the pool, and singing real loud and off key just to hear the echo of their voices. I alternate between giggling at them and scolding, “You kids better quit that misbehaving before the teacher gets upset” ("kids" said in spite of the fact that not a single person in the class, including the instructor, isn’t old enough to be my parent). It is to no avail though. They seem quite gleeful about their evil influence on me.

Usually the piped in music is some kind of golden oldies or swing tunes-something to appeal to the geriatric set. But today, they were playing what I call “noise with a beat”. Not really even music at all. Since so many of them were muttering and complaining about it, I suggested to one sweet-looking, silver-haired grandma that she go ask to have it changed to something decent. “H*ll no”, She responded. “I’m already on the sh*t list.”

By the time I finished choking on pool water over that reply, a new song came over the loud speaker, and shortly we were enjoying the beautiful strains of “I Can’t Stop Loving You.” The effect on the trouble makers was astounding. They quit the mischief-making on the spot and listened contemplatively. “What?” I demanded. “That’s Ray Charles”, one of them explained. “He isn’t with us anymore”, confided the potty-mouth. “He sure had a voice”, commented a gentlemanly old codger wistfully.

I hope to never be in the situation of having to organize and keep in line a bunch of feisty retirees during a water exercise class. But just in case, I got the Ray Charles ready to go.

If God Gave Me The Chance To Do It All Again

2011-01-14T21:33:00.000-08:00

"I'm Noel, just like Christmas", was the way he always introduced himself back then. And, I mentally rolled my eyes every time I heard it. Even at 19, I was still too shallow to taint my reputation by hanging around anyone "un-cool". That would be guys with their slacks or social skills a little too short, or voices a little too loud and attention-drawing. But, I was pleased that even though he wasn't in the "in-crowd", everyone in our group was kind enough to show some common courtesy. Overtly, at least. Courtesy, but not much closeness...Well, wasn't it up to the guys to pal around with him? After all, we girls couldn't be expected to get too involved. I was sure proud of us. Weren't we the "mature" ones?

But, my future-husband, whose judgement about these things I was already understanding could be relied on, thought he was a really sweet, good-natured, well-intentioned guy.

Fast forward a few years. By now I'm a new mom and he is a married man. He and his almost-unbelievably lovely wife were living within driving distance. They came to visit. He was still wearing that awful siren-red windbreaker that I despised in Korea. (He had warned me when he got it that it would last a good ten years. "I hope not" I half-joked back at him.) But, by now people's clothes weren't very much concern to me. Not when I, myself, was wearing a baby-spit-up stained apron with diaper pins handily attached to it. We all laughed and chatted together and he was rather entertaining. I recalled the good times we had teaching together and how the Korean students quite liked him. He and his almost-unbelievably lovely wife (and, I could hardly believe that HE managed to nab a lovely thing like her) offered many kindnesses to my teenage brother-in-law who had recently undergone open heart surgery. Knowing that I have a bit of a mean streak, I searched my memory in hopes that I had never showed it to this nice-natured, sweet, well-intentioned fellow human. "Why wasn't he popular?" mused my dear husband, who always thinks the best of folks and liked him well enough. "Youth." I shrugged it off. "I just hope he knows what he's got in that wife he has." I groused back at him. "I'm sure he does." was his reasonable and kindly uttered reply.

We stayed in spotty touch with them as time went by. They moved many states away. Contact decreased over the intervening years. We regretted it deeply when we heard about some of the curve balls life threw at them. Never seems quite fair for such nice folks to keep running into such hard times.

A few months ago we got an e-mail from him. His work requires him to travel now. He would be in our area in a few days. Could he drop by? "Yes. Of course. We'd love to see you." It was an afternoon that I already had off from work, so, we met and gabbed in the living room until my husband got home and we went out all together to grab a bite somewhere. And what an afternoon it was! I had guessed that somehow it would be a blessing. I just hadn't imagined how much.

After we exchanged notes on the trials and triumphs of parenting and got caught up on the last couple of decades, he began sharing on a deeper and more personal level. Life had not been easy, but they were finally getting on a better financial footing. In spite of it all, he had been active in his own and the surrounding communities. He related magnificent and sometimes miraculous moments when he went to volunteer in the relief efforts after Katrina and other serious storms. These experiences led him and his friends to start a local helping ministry. He can't afford any of this, but, God provides. I listened..astounded at times..enthralled. Had the good sense, for a change, to keep my mouth shut-except to pump for more information.

They were stories that stayed with me, but, I won't tell them here. Don't want to steal his thunder. He writes very well and he really should be blogging. But, I can't help sharing one very moving moment. He told me how it was that his mom left this life. He was taking her to the doctor when they got hit by a diabetic driver who had lapsed into a coma. His mom was killed by the impact. Believing he was going to die, his last words before the impact were "Thanks for the great life, Lord." He lived, but sustained a broken back. The next day he hobbled on crutches into the hospital room of the guy who crashed into them to offer him forgiveness. Offer. Him. Forgiveness!!!

"Did you ever have contact with any one else from the old Korea group?" I asked him at one point during the conversing. "Never at all" was his cheerless reply. And, what else was that I heard in his voice? Forlorn regret? Dispirited sorrow? The sadness of it grieved me greatly. I felt a sudden flash of anger at the lot of them. But, I can cast judgement?

But, at least I was heartened and gladdened that instead of becoming bitter from the vicissitudes of his life, this sweet-natured and well-intentioned example of decent humanity had made something inspirational of it. And, he knew what he had to be grateful for. I mean, really, "Thanks for the great life, Lord?" Except for the wild wonderfulness of helping others, his life hadn't actually been all that great. Oh, and his great wife. Whom he did indeed express great gratitude for in the course of our conversation. With good reason too. I gasped out loud when he showed me her recent photo. She is the epitome of aging graciously and beautifully. To the remarking of this, he cutely responded. "Well, that's what I think but she says she is old and gray now, so, I didn't know what to believe." WRONG answer. When she says that you're supposed to tell her "You are always beautiful to me"-or something like that. Come on, Boy, you've got a brain. Use it!

Ah well, no chance to do it over, so, get it right the next time.

BTW, he wasn't still wearing that old red windbreaker when we last saw him. Well, it was summer and too hot for it anyway. So, no way to know if he is still hanging on to it without asking outright-and I am much too polite to do that (Shut UP! I am too!). Who cares anyway? I didn't notice what either one of us was wearing.

Another Little Note(d on facebook)

2011-01-10T18:59:00.000-08:00

Usually whenever I go to Korea, I know by the time I leave why it was that I was there. You know how it goes; you meet folks, friendships are formed. Or maybe impact is made when lives collide. This last time though, no experience specifically stuck out. There just didn't seem to be a special defining moment when I realized my purpose for going there this particular time. So, I'll just tell one random little incident (out of many).

I was returning back to my apartment from the airport. I had just seen" Mr. Sunny" off and was hoping to get back in time for him to call me before boarding. This ended up not happening because I wanted to see how long the trip would take by subway system. Too long! Guess I should have taken the bus. Before I realized all that, and was still trying to hurry along, we all had to get off the train at the end of one line and transfer to another one in a different part of the station. I was just sort of following the crowd when they all started running. I know what that means-the next train is about to take off. I chased after them and sure enough, the next train was literally MOVING by the time I jumped in. The door closing almost caught my foot and I actually caught some serious air landing in a seat almost on some guys lap as the train sped off.

Usually I am overly cautious around crowds and fast moving objects. "So unlike me" I was thinking, when I heard a voice speaking to me. It was the guy who almost got me on his lap. I knew it was me he was addressing because he spoke in flawless English. Looking around I could see no one else that anyone would assume was illiterate in Korean.

"Now, do you even know where you are going?" He inquired kindly.

I didn't take a bit of offense. After all, they had all seen me risk my life jumping on a moving train. Anybody that dumb probably doesn't have a clue where she is going. So, I did another uncharacteristic thing. I told him where I was going and which transfers I'd be taking. I never do that because, having been followed, I am wary of letting strangers know my destination. But, he seemed sincere enough.

He nodded hiis approval and explained, "I thought I'd make sure since I'll be getting off in two stops."

Then he tried to help me practise a little Korean. Until he gave up on me. When we arrived at his station he nudged the fellow beside him and started to to stand up. Aforementioned fellow did not budge-gave no indication that he was even aware of his surroundings. Mr. Hospitality sighed and settled back in his seat resignedly.

"Why didn't you get out?" I demanded - a little too sharply considering he had no idea that I'd ever been stalked.

"I think I'd better stay with my friend here," he murmured quietly.

For the first time I took a good look at his traveling companion. The man looked pathetic. Pale faced with head in his hands. He appeared to have been crying.

"What's the matter with him?" I gasped. (Yeah, I am the epitome of tact.)

The story came out. It was marital trouble. It wasn't quite as bad as "after 25 good years together they had their first big fight", but she had been recently suckered in to one of these off-shoot religions where they want all your money. Since she had no job, she was handing in all of her husbands savings and there was nothing left for the children's inheritance.

We talked and tsked. Mind you, the guy with the problem wasn't doing any of the actual talking. But, he was engaged in the exchange. He lifted his red rimmed eyes and listened intently to my suggestions. I do believe I saw some actual hope on his face. This is one thing I like about being a bit older in Korea. Age and experience still count for something. Folks actually seek and value your advise and ideas. Not that mine were much good. What could I do? Invite them to come for counseling with the Pastor? As far as they could tell it was religion that caused this mess in the first place! But, maybe it comforted him to have an impartial observer taking his side in his troubles.

"Hey, this is your stop." They gripped my hands briefly in farewell, then called "Goodbye! Goodbye!" as I tripped out the door of the train in the nick of time just before it could slam shut on me.

I think of them sometimes. Wonder if it all worked out. Wonder what their impression was of the 'crazy American'.

Probably they sat there and said, "Think she'll ever make it back to her place in one piece?"

"Not a chance! Hey, that's pretty funny. I'm feeling more cheerful already."

"Me too. Wanna go have some beer together?"

Sometimes the Heart Knows How

2011-01-06T09:02:00.000-08:00

Back in my home-care nursing days I managed to become known as the rescue-er of flattened dogs and lost babies. The baby was when I was on my way to a daily wound care. The patient liked to get her visit over with very early in the morning. Probably because she wasn't being compliant with the required homebound status, but we were on a "don't ask and don't tell" relationship. One day, on the way to her house at about 7 AM, a little tyke in a diaper-and I mean just a diaper and nothing else-dashed across the road in front of all the cars stopped at the red light. He went straight to the entrance of a convenient store. No one seemed the least bit concerned-except me (of course). I parked immediately and fetched him. Asked around, but no one knew him. Called the cops. Helped look for his parents. Soothed him when he was taken away by squad car to the emergency children's home. This was in the days before cell phones, but I used a pay phone to notify the office I'd be running late and they called all my patients for me. Of course I regaled everyone for the rest of the day with tales of my big adventure. All the patients wanted to know ALL the juicy details. For many of them it was the most exciting event of their week. I was hailed as a local hero. After work I called the police station to inquire about the little fellow. They were all like "Is this the nurse from (name of hospital)?" The kid had been re-united with his parents. The officers were openly admiring of my quick thinking and smooth maneuvers to save this child. Situation could've ended much worse.

(I had the fire department like putty in my hands for a while too, but that's whole "nuther story.)

Another time, while on the way to a diabetic's house for her insulin injection, I spied a tiny bit of half-flattened fluff on the street. It was a little dog that had been hit. Still alive but the back legs looked paralyzed. I simply could not stop to call animal control right then. Can't be late for the diabetics you know. So, I scooped him up in a disposable gown, plopped him in a basket that was in the trunk, and took him along to the home visit. It was a hot day and I didn't want to leave him inside the car, so I put him just outside the front door of the patient's house and told the inhabitants to stay away from him. Of course, the husband of my patient completely disobeyed that order, and the little dog BIT him. Boy, animal control sure got involved then! And the administrator on call. And my supervisor. And, probably the board of trustees for all I know. This time they weren't quite so accomodating. "Should have let the d#@n dog die!" (to quote one of my co-workers).

Next I added "savior of run-away kids" to my Curriculum Vitae. It was after I had left doing home-care and gone to the nurse advise line. My supervisor called one evening and asked me to come in and help out at work. For some reason I felt like telling her no. She was surprised. I'm usually flexible. But, I had made plans for a walk in the gently falling snow*, so, I just said "no". On my route I wandered down by the highway-something I rarely do. There, sitting on a large rock, was a good size boy. He smiled at me, and I smiled at him. I said, "I'm Jimmy's mom." He said, "Who is Jimmy?" I said, "Uh, you don't live in this neighborhood, do you?" (Because, come on, EVERYBODY knows Jimmy!) The story came out. He was a runaway. I was afraid he'd run again but it soon became apparent he was too tired to do anything but follow me home. He had already walked at least 8 miles, and probably more since he had lost his way for a while. Poor kid could barely put one foot ahead of the other. We were both wishing I had brought the car instead of heading out on foot. At home I handed him off to Jimmy** to watch TV together and to have someone of his age group to hang out with while we fed him, hydrated him, and called his grandmother in another state-(she alerted the authorities). His mother was duly checked out (she had been arrested for child neglect previously, and the boy didn't know it, but his dad was incarcerated at the time). Everything got worked out and the child did eventually get returned to his home. His grandmother called me the next day with the whole sorry story. Her hands are tied for legal reasons until he turns 18, but, she has every plan to help him as much as possible when she can. She was deeply grateful for our intervention. She kept saying "If the wrong person had picked him up..."

This time, with my reputation already firmly in place, no one was even surprised. In fact they'd be surprised if I WASN'T out on the rescue. Boss said to refuse to come to work any time it seemed a good idea. Figured I should just always follow my intuition.***

*Because big, fat, fluffy snow-flakes that float down softly in warm-enough weather to melt them on contact are NOT the kind that pester me.

**Jimmy really came through too. Later he told us he he had been "kind of surprised" (yeah, I bet!) when a stranger kid was tossed in his room, but he figured we knew what we were doing, so, he'd just go with it.

***But, what's going on? Am I like some kind of magnet for these types situations?

(I know that I am positively a magnet for crazies, but those stories are better left untold...here...yet)

New Year's Resolutions? Who needs 'em?

2011-01-01T18:25:00.000-08:00

My "new year's resolutions" (if any) tend to be of the "do-more-of-whatever-I'm-already-in-the-mood-to-do-anyway" variety. But, even that can backfire.... For example, back when I was still rather renown for being a cookie making mama, a certain year was "designated" as THE YEAR OF THE COOKIE. Home-made cookies were delivered so frequently to the pediatrician, kiddie's dentist, school teachers, classroom parties etc., that it got to where no matter what the event, I was assigned to bring the cookies. Many regrets were expressed when I could barely tolerate the aroma of cookies baking anymore and had to give it up. Gave it up for good too.
That's an odor that is still very bothersome.

These days I prefer baking bread. So, when a suggestion was made at work last year that I make a new year's resolution of "baking bread more often", I readily agreed. I've taken bread to work, church, parties, people's homes, and even the homeless shelter..it is always very well received. And why not? Who wouldn't like fresh warm homemade bread from newly ground whole grains? I don't know who doesn't. But, I know who does-me and my family. In fact, we've had so much of it that we are now pretty much ruined for any other kind. Guess what that means. Yep, I'm stuck making bread now whether in the mood or not.

So, it was with some hesitation that I considered the idea that maybe I should determine to work a little less and get back some time for my lately neglected hobbies. Used to be I'd take photos and write up little things and put it all on blog posts. In fact, not too many years ago, as my blogs can testify, I took my brand new Christmas-gift camera out every single morning between Christmas and New Years to capture the sunrise. (We were having luscious, lovely, unseasonably warm weather that year.) Lately I don't even bother to take the camera along on hikes. If time is limited and a choice has to be made between taking a walk or taking pictures, I'll take the walk. These thoughts were running through my mind yesterday morning as I cautiously peered out to determine if we were in for another gloomy day of disgusting, nasty, frigid, slippery, slushy winter weather. The portion of sky visable from the slightly open bathroom window was surprisingly... clear with a nice sliver of white moon adjacent to that big old bright morning star. And, right between them was a shiny jet plane with contrails as bright as the moon from picking up the reflection of the sun which was still hidden far beyond the eastern horizen. In times past this sight would have had me dashing for the camera while mentally composing some sassy-sounding comment for a blog post. But, with the reality of the bitterly cold outside air in my face, the only place I dashed for was a quick dive back under the blankets. Apparently blogging and all that is low on the priority list right now. NOT gonna be happening. I'll just re-cycle some of my old stories and pictures for facebook. Watch for them in the "notes" section. (Or, just eventually find them all from www.easternsierrasunshine.blogspot.com -a blog I highly recommend, BTW.)

However...insisting on working less hours certainly turned out to be a very good decision one time previously...story coming soon.

Now my blogger friends, if any of you have made it this far into these ramblings, I suggest you get a new year's resolution of spending less time on - line. Excluding reading my posts, of course. THAT'S time well spent!

Signing off with a photo. Not a particularily seasonal one... I have to focus on the beauty of this place so the weather does not make me crazy. (Snow and cold=Blech!)

Full Circle (and then some)

2010-12-26T08:42:00.000-08:00

A follow up to yesterday's post

From my distant vantage point in the cardio-loft high above the work-out level, I didn't notice just how the muscular young man ended up on the floor of the gym between his wheelchair and a piece of exercise equipment. Considering the way he was attempting to haul his legs about with his arms and pull himself up a bar it was easy to assume he was purposely doing some kind of exercises that required ground level. It wasn't obvious that he was in a bit of trouble until the wheelchair rolled even further away. Possibly he could have managed to do it himself eventually and undoubtedly would have preferred to be able to, but, within seconds a couple of able-bodied young buffs left their muscle-making-machines to assist. He allowed them to hoist him genially back to his chair, send him on his way with a hearty slap to the back (thus bringing him back to the manly world of physical toughness), and return to their sweating without a backward glance (giving him a chance for get-away without drawing further spectacle to himself).

All those who had observed the whole scene, with politely-averted eyes, had a guarded relief on their faces. And, though they kept their faces expressionless, the two young hard-bodies couldn't have felt other than glad to have a chance to help. And appropriately so. Ater all, the strong SHOULD help the weak, right? Check out Romans 15:1. And even Jesus said it is more blessed to give than to receive (Acts 20:35). Yep, everybody felt good again. Especially about helping him retain his dignity.

So, how fair is that? The guy in the wheelchair never gets the bigger blessing. WRONG! He is constantly in a position to give people a chance to feel good about themselves. He is actually giving the most here. Hard to tell just who is the strong one.

Funny how life happens. Shortly after this incident I ran into an applicable quote* by Frances Young, a British theologian, and more than that, a mom to a handicapped son.

"The key, it seems to be, is in establishing a reciprocal relationship with the handicapped. The most fundamental aspect of this is the recognition, not that we are doing them good, but that they are doing something for us"

We all already know that of course. As it says in Proverbs 11:17, "The man who is kind does himself a favor." Nothing wrong with that at all. I'd just like to see the word also at the end of that Bible sentence. Because none of it negates the importance of performing the kindess to begin with.

*The quote was in a different book, but it was cited there as coming from page 179 of Samuel Wells's Improvisiation: The Drama of Christian Ethics (Grand Rapids: Brazos, 2004)

Secrets of the Season

2010-12-25T08:33:00.000-08:00

Every year of adulthood I've pondered again what would make Christmas most meaningful to me. Wouldn't I just LOVE to feel free to "squander" all the resources we devote to the season on the less fortunate. Some things are hard to justify while there is hunger in the world. But, of course, I remember childhood. And, as long as my kids expect the whole shebang, we'll be giving it to them as best we can. Grown up as they are, they aren't 100 percent beyond materialism yet. Don't think they are ready for a family mission trip instead of gifts yet! I've tried to suggest it. Went over like a lead balloon. Ah well, some say that "Do-gooders are just getting their own needs fulfilled" anyway Maybe so, but Jesus didn't seem to care about that when he indicated that the giving is more blessed than the getting. I'm not denying that the giver gets the bigger gift. (That certainly has been the experience of DH and myself plenty of times). But, the beauty of it is-EVERYONE wins.

Brings a memory from my home care nursing days....

I was a "fill-in" nurse. That means, I did not carry my own patient load. I did admits, in-patient assessments for suitability for home care, and, mostly, filled in for other nurses when they were off or over-loaded. So, it was not unusual for one of the case-managers to ask me to run by and check on her patient that afternoon. What surprised me was that she asked if I could pick up something at McDonald's for him. Because, as she explained, he was on such a limited income that he sometimes had to choose between food and medications etc. Oh, it was no surprise at all that she had been bringing him food. Most of the team was prone to go the extra mile like that. But, MCDONALDS??? Come on, these people are sick already. I'm not likely to add to anyone's possibility of demise by giving them Mcdonalds! So, without telling her, I zipped by home and threw together a tuna fish sandwich and a bowl of chicken noodle soup for him. OK, it wasn't "health" food, but it was what I had on hand in a hurry! Soup was in a snap top container that I figured she could retrieve from him on the next visit.

Back down to the grubby center part of town where his weekly rental motel was located. No-one answered repeated knocks on his door. No one answered his phone. I could hear it ringing and ringing. The manager at the front desk offered me a key, but, I was afraid of what I'd find in there. Made the desk man go with me. Peaked inside and....empty. BUSTED! He is supposed to be home bound to get home care nursing per medicare guidelines. "Oh, he went down the street to get cigarettes", explained a neighbor. Double busted! Knowing that he won't get another nurse visit to collect the dish, I make a quick decision to leave the food anyway. It would just go bad in the hot car while I visit other patients. (But, if he can afford to smoke......)

Back in the office later that afternoon a bunch of us nurses were doing our charting when the receptionist came in the room with a funny look on her face. Our patient had called in literally weeping with gratitude that someone had cared enough to make him a sandwich and a bowl of soup! No one had ever made a "home cooked meal" for him before. One.sandwich.and.a.bowl.of.soup. We all kind of gaped at each other in wonderment and a little bit of heart-break. It was one of those many moments where NOT many words were needed for us to know each other's minds.

Yes, we were blessed more than the patient.

(He no longer qualified for the program and got a prompt discharge.)

No, I never got my dish back.

I think I can spare it.

This is fun

2010-07-02T15:50:00.000-07:00

From the blogger at May's Day, I got this idea.

Finish the statements

If I could say one thing to myself 10 years ago it would be to trust my gut instinct regarding our financial investments.

My favorite place in the world has spectacular scenery and nice weather
The movie I watch when I want to laugh does not exist. It usually happens serendipitously.

No one knows I have a "secret sunny site" which is open to no-one but me (NOW they know!).

I feel healthy when I get enough exercise.

I feel saner when I am not too busy.
If I could do anything else for a living I'd...a living couldn't be made on the things I'd do.

Exercise routine
These two words don't belong together. Exercise is meant to be fun and varied. How can that be routine?

Proudest moment in my career
This one is not applicable. Both my career (homemaker) and job (nurse) have more humbling than proud moments.

My dad always told me "There is a right way and a wrong way to (fill in the blank). He was wrong, of course. Turns out there are many right ways, and many wrong ways too.

My mom was right about the importance of self-confidence.

The lesson I keep learning over and over is that love is totally worth the sacrifices it requires.

I wish I had more time for MYSELF

My great unfulfilled dream is non-existant...yet.

Real contentment is a paradox. Of course, it is a blessing, but too much can prevent further development.

One of my favorite quotations is ...many (for example, see at the bottom of one of my other blogs), but most recently

"To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and
sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each others'
hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and
secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time"
Clara Orteg

(taken from the blog of Inland Empire Girl, who also did this activity)

Sunny Sight

2009-01-10T08:32:00.000-08:00

It is not always easy to find a laugh-out-loud passage but, with the mental image evoked in her book, Exuberance: The Passion For Life, Kay Redfield Jamison made me do it. She quotes 'Katy Payne, the acoustic biologist who was the first to extablish that elephants communicate through infrasound,' (who) 'gives a marvelous account of young elephants taking delight in the chase.'

"Young bulls love to chase things; they relish the exhilarated, chin-up, feet-splayed rush and the sight of other animals in flight, and they magnify the impact of their assaults by chasing in pairs or small gangs. Once I saw a rush of which the object was a buterfly. Eyes wide, a gang of young male elephants collectively weighing some twenty or maybe forty tons thundered to a stop as the small fairy, white and weightless, rose up out of their midst. Then each turned on his heels and fled."

Thinking outside the box

2008-06-27T06:48:00.000-07:00

Cross out six letter in BSAINXLEATNTEARS so that the remaining letters, without altering their sequence, spell a familiar English word.

I'm terrible at these little word puzzles, so, had to do it "wrong" to reveal the word LETTERS, in order to have the BANANAS 'duh!' moment. The point of the exercise is probably to get the point of it ; Most things can be viewed at least two different ways.

For example, two different people saw a similar sight. A little family was having dinner in a restaurant. The children displayed more energy than the parents, who were still in their work uniforms. One observer perceived the parents as exhausted and anxious from trying to feed their greed by having both mom and dad in the work place. Cast judgement on the family-for not eating at home, I guess. Took a negative spin on the whole scenario.

The other saw the parents looking tired but relaxed, and rejoiced that mom did not have to cook that night. Found it the sweetest thing to see them having a little family night out. Mentally applauded them for doing their best in difficult circumstances. Wondered what the occasion was, since they appeared to not be in a financial situation to eat out very often.

Who was right? Quite possibly neither, since no-one opted to bother the family for their take on it. Or, could be that both were "correct" in their own way. It IS possible to be 'right' and still be wrong - which reminds me of one of the quotes I recently posted over on the side bar of this blog. Most lives (but not all, of course) can be changed by a change of attitude. And, many times (but, not always) attitude indicates much about the life of the holder of it.

What else can be seen in a different way...Oh, I know! It is
another lie your parents told you.

Anybody heard this one?
"Anything worth doing is worth doing well."
(If it wasn't worth doing, who'd be doing it in the first place?)

I've seen little children bewildered by this one.
"There is a right way and a wrong way to do things."
(Do you mean the right way is your way and all other ways are wrong?)

Well, that is just not true.
But, if I don't see your point of view,
Am I not as wrong as you?
(And pretty small sees only two.)

Sunny Says

2007-12-02T19:03:00.000-08:00

A mark of immaturity is trying to make yourself look better by putting others down. Furthermore, it makes only yourself look bad. Emotionally healthy people know the value of lifting others up, and in the process are lifted up themselves.

My "dad" story

2007-03-12T21:15:00.000-07:00

I decided to retrieve my "funniest story about your dad" post from the Kimchee Mamas and preserve it here. Some of the other stories were absolutely hilarious. You can still link to it from the address listed at the bottom of the "mama" story posted below.

Back in the 1970's when I had returned from Korea the very first time, we had a procession of former students and fellow teachers coming to visit me as they passed through the Boston area, or, sometimes they made a special trip there just because I was there. This was back when I was single, so, it was my parent's home they were visiting. My dad, ever the effusive extrovert, loved every minute of it. One time a former student was scheduled to arrive while I was still at work. I gave him directions to the house but dad figured he'd never have the nerve to show up while I wasn't home. So, he went checking around the neighborhood, and sure enough-he found him in the parking lot of the local ice-cream shop. Just walked up to the only lost looking Asian guy and asked if he was the one. If that hadn't been the right guy, he'd have made friends with him anyway and probably invited him home. That's my dad. Anyway, dad was on foot and this guy had a rental car. So, they cooked up the plan that dad would ride along and show him where I worked. Then dad would take my car home and I would catch a ride with our guest. By the time they got to my office my poor dad was pale as a sheet and, most uncharacteristically, almost speechless. You guessed it-the guy's driving scared the wits right out of him. He wouldn't let me get in the car with him. Told the guy he could follow us. Awww! And I thought MY driving scared him. It was one of those situations where you couldn't politely laugh at the time, but we positively cackled after the fact.

Yo Mama!

2007-02-05T20:28:00.000-08:00

I was just informed by e-mail that I am a winner in the recent "write about your dad" contest over on Kimchi Mamas. I had also attempted to enter the corresponding Rice Daddies "funny memories about your mom" contest, but after I had typed up the whole story, it didn't manage to post in the comments for some reason. It was getting late and I didn't bother to try again. Never mind. My heart was gladdened to have a chance to share memories about my dear, late parents. It seemed fitting to find out tonight that I was one of the winners, because, I was listening to mellow music on the radio and thinking about them all the way home from work... thinking about what songs I'd dedicate to them if I were to call the station's request line, and about the poems I did up for their memorial.

Since my "mom" story never actually got "out there" (which is fine-wouldn't have been fair if I won BOTH contests) I'll try to tell it here.

When mom was 75 years old I took her for her very first trip to Yosemite. At that time both of us were very interested in hiking. Specifically, she wanted to hike on the Pacific Crest Trail. We were on a spur trail on our way to the PCT when I noticed a nice waterfall with a swimable, natural pool under it. Since I had a swim-suit on underneath my clothes, I suggested we detour over there. Told her how I had long wanted to swim at the bottom of a water fall. Mom was all for it, but, on the way to the swimming hole I noticed a few naked people skinny dipping over there. I quickly tried to steer mom away from this indelicate sight. Silly me! My mom was a NURSE. She'd seen a lot more than that in her day. Anyway, she wasn't about to be deterred by a few naked people. Started stomping through the woods right towards them. She was kind of hard of hearing towards the end of her life from chronic ear infections and her normally soft spoken manner had gotten a bit louder. Well, she was pretty worked up about these naked people getting in our way and starting complaining in a louder-than-normal voice "My baby wants to swim in the waterfall and no stupid old naked people are going to stop us. They surely don't care if anyone sees them naked or they wouldn't be skinny dipping in the first place! Life is too short to care what anyone thinks anyway. Come on!" You never saw so many people snatch up their clothes and flee through the forest barefoot and in the buff when they got a glimpse of MAMA BEAR a stompin' and hollerin' their direction. I was almost in hysterics. It was so unlike her. The really funny thing was that I heard them exclaiming to each other in a foreign European-sounding language. Possibly they didn't even understand her words. And may have had an exaggerated understanding of her intent. Too hilarious! When we got to the falls, the water was a little deeper and colder than I had anticipated. But, you'd better believe I SWAM in it! She was right about life being short too. She died the very next summer of a tragic accident. I was always glad she had that experience. Glad I had it too.

If you want to read dad's story you can find it at http://kimchimamas.typepad.com/kimchi_mamas/2007/01/this_is_a_conte_1.html

Thanks RICE DADDIES
(http://ricedaddies.blogspot.com/)
and KIMCHEE MAMAS
(http://kimchimamas.typepad.com/kimchi_mamas/)
for the contest.

And, thanks for the memories.

PS Both sites are highly recommended for a good read.

Lamentations of the Father

2006-09-10T19:20:00.000-07:00

I got this from AllanE a long time ago.

A Father's Laws Concerning Food and Drink
Household Principles
Lamentations of the Father
by Ian Frazier

Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all
foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the
living room. Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into
burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the
cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not
in the living room. Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the
wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright
color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living
room. Of the quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen
after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living
room. Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in
sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may
you carry such therein. Indeed, when you reach the place where
the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you
may not eat, neither may you drink.

But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something,
then may you eat in the living room.

Laws When at Table

And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a
greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as
they were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon
the table, for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you
have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table
are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke. Drink your milk as it is
given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor
spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away. When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not
bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck; for you will be sent away.

When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have
swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister
what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you. Eat your food only; do not eat
that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws,
nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to
you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is. And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the
table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why. And
though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not
stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that,
that is why. Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side
or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed
me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.

Laws Pertaining to Dessert

For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that
is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have
dessert. But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have
eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each
bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six
peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of
your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can
see, then you shall have dessert. But if you eat a lesser number
of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have
dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten,
you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion ther eof.
And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around
with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not,
you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no
dessert.

On Screaming

Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are
given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each
other are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the
ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the fault. Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal
seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning
is loathsome to you, and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain
from screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause
you a faint unto death, make not that sound from within your
throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your
nose. For even now I have made the fish as it should be; behold,
I eat of it myself, yet do not die.

Concerning Face and Hands

Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to
the hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are
upon you; even to the very back of your head, there is rice
thereon. And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the
tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a
manner wonderful to see. Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say. Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it
must be; and you shall not go hence until I have done.

Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances

Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on
bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars,
nor against any building; nor eat sand.

Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should
so afflict it with tape? And hum not that humming in your nose as
I read, nor stand between the light and the book. Indeed, you will
drive me to madness. Nor forget what I said about the tape.

Complaints and Lamentations

O my children, you are disobedient. For when I tell you what you
must do, you argue and dispute hotly even to the littlest detail;
and when I do not accede, you cry out, and hit and kick. Yes, and
even sometimes do you spit, and shout "stupid-head" and other
blasphemies, and hit and kick the wall and the molding thereof
when you are sent to the corner. And though the law teaches that
no one shall be sent to the corner for more minutes than he has
years of age, yet I would leave you there all day, so mighty am I in
anger. But upon being sent to the corner you ask straightaway,
"Can I come out?" and I reply, "No, you may not come out." And
again you ask, and again I give the same reply. But when you
ask again a third time, then you may come out.

Hear me, O my children, for the bills they kill me. I pay and pay
again, even to the twelfth time in a year, and yet again they mount
higher than before. For our health, that we may be covered, I give
six hundred and twenty talents twelve times in a year; but even
this covers not the fifteen hundred deductible for each member
of the family within a calendar year. And yet for ordinary visits we
still are not covered, nor for many medicines, nor for the teeth
within our mouths. Guess not at what rage is in my mind, for
surely you cannot know.

For I will come to you at the first of the month and at the fifteenth of the month with the bills and a great whining and moan. And when the month of taxes comes, I will decry the wrong and
unfairness of it and rend my receipts. And you shall remember
that I am that I am: before, after, and until you are twenty-one. Hear me then, and avoid me in my wrath, O children of me.

Drink; Household Principles; Lamentations of the Father;
Volume 279, No. 2; pages 89-90]

Unlucky in Love, or, Addicted to Addicts?

2006-07-26T06:12:00.000-07:00

First Samuel 25 is one of those passages in the Bible that makes you wonder what the "rest of the story" was. We know precious little about the life of Abigail. The rest we read between the lines. She was married to "A certain man in Maon (who) was very wealthy. He owned property ... His name was "Bobbo" (OK, it was Nabal, but it turns out that meant "fool" in his native language, so, I'll just substitute the Korean word for fool). His wife's name was Abigail. She was a wise and beautiful woman. But her husband was rude and mean in the way he treated others."

So, how on earth did this wise and beautiful woman get stuck with a bad charactered jerk like old Bobbo? Arranged marriage? Desperate circumstances? We aren't told. And, what made Bobbo turn into such meanie anyway? Was it because everyone called him a fool, or was that why they called him fool?

Meanwhile..
"David was staying in the Desert of Maon. While he was there, he heard that Bobbo was clipping the wool off his sheep. So he sent for ten young men. He said to them, 'Go up to 'the old fool' at Carmel. Greet him for me. Say to him, 'May you live a long time! May everything go well with you and your family! And may things go well with everything that belongs to you! I hear that you are clipping the wool off your sheep. When your shepherds were with us, we treated them well. The whole time they were at Carmel nothing that belonged to them was stolen. Ask your own servants. They'll tell you. We've come to you now at a happy time of the year. Please show favor to my young men. Please give me and my men anything you can find for us.'"

OK, hold it right there. Who on earth does David think he is? He thinks he and his gang should get some special favors just for being law abiding citizens? That's no better than the guy who held the door for a little old lady and then complained that she didn't express any appreciation. Was he opening the door to help her or to get an ego feeding? Nobody asked David for any help or had a contract with him. However, in his defense, social customs at the time probably had some kind of good neighbor policy in place, delineating who you had to share with. Bobbo had nothing but common decency obligating him to share with David. Similarly, the little old lady would probably expect to be expected to be courteous and at least say thanks.

Evidently Bobbo wasn't into "common decency". "When David's men arrived, they gave Bobbo the message from David. Then they waited. Bobbo answered David's servants, "Who is this David? Who is this son of Jesse? Many servants are running away from their masters these days. Why should I give away my bread and water? Why should I give away the meat I've prepared for those who clip the wool off my sheep? Why should I give food to men who come from who knows where?" So David's men turned around and went back. When they arrived, they reported to David every word Bobbo had spoken."

You know how some people have some obvious reason why they are always on the defensive? Maybe a little something different about them, something that caused them to be mocked as a child. Now that they are adult no one is openly mocking them, but, still their guard is up. But, in Bobbo's situation, while all of that could possibly have also been true, this was not just a knee-jerk reaction. He had time to ponder over his answer while David's employees waited for it. What we have here is an example of a mean-spirited person outright. But, what, what, WHAT could have made him that way? Was he abused as a child? Did his parents set him a horrible example of public relations? Does he feel like a victim instead of a survivor? Or, had he simply chosen wrong over right so many times in his life that he no longer gave it a thought? Had he let his character slip without even caring about it? We can only surmise.

Enter David-who is no prize either. You know that bumper sticker "I don't get mad, I get even?" Well, get a load of this! "David said to his men, "Put on your swords!" So they put their swords on. David put his on too. About 400 men went up with David. Two hundred men stayed behind with the supplies. One of the servants warned Nabal's wife Abigail. He said, 'David sent some messengers from the desert to give his greetings to our master. But Nabal shouted at them and made fun of them. "David's men had been very good to us. They treated us well. The whole time we were near them out in the fields, nothing was stolen. We were taking care of our sheep near them. During that time, they were like a wall around us night and day. They kept us safe. Now think it over. See what you can do. Horrible trouble will soon come to our master and his whole family. He's such an evil man that no one can even talk to him.'"

There is no denying David's group did a good deed to the fool's shepherds. But, how malicious is it to make plans to knock off someone who doesn't respond to your good deed the way you want them to? Bobbo may be a fool, but David is a manipulator. Both of them are rage-aholics (glad they don't drive): Bobbo with his shouting and making fun, and David with his undue retaliation.

No wonder the servants went to Abigail with their concerns. No one can even talk to Bobbo. But, here is where it gets sticky. Some have labeled Abigail a "co-dependent", saying that it sounds like she has a track record of fixing Bobbo's disasters. True, the servants wouldn't have come to her unless they expected her to DO something about the problem. But, I wouldn't go so far as giving her a label that presumes she is getting some kind of benefit from the situation (power, feeling holier than thou, loyalty from the staff, whatever). It could have been that she was stuck in an unfortunate situation and doing the best she could to keep the household together. And to keep from getting beat up. Never mind discussing the limits she should have set in the past to avoid everything getting out of control. Hind sight is 20/20. She is now to the point of an emergency.

"Abigail didn't waste any time. She got 200 loaves of bread and two bottles of wine. The bottles were made out of animal skins. She got five sheep that were ready to be cooked. She got a bushel of grain that had been cooked. She got 100 raisin cakes. And she got 200 cakes of pressed figs. She loaded all of it on the backs of donkeys. Then she told her servants, "Go on ahead. I'll follow you." But she didn't tell her husband Nabal about it. Abigail rode her donkey into a mountain valley. There she saw David and his men. They were coming down toward her."

It is clear that this is a very divided home. No meeting of the minds. No concurring on anything. Of COURSE she did not tell her husband what she was doing. No one could talk to him anyway. He has not shown any wisdom in the past, so, why should she trust his judgment now. She chooses to believe her servant's report that the whole household is about to die at the hands of a band of renagades. Her actions at this point of the story seem wise indeed. But, then things kind of fall apart.

"David had just said, "Everything we've done hasn't been worth a thing! I watched over that fellow's property in the desert. I made sure none of it was stolen. But he has paid me back evil for good. "I won't leave even one of his men alive until morning. If I do, may God punish me greatly!"

Pretty scary! No wonder Abigail felt she had to kiss up a bit. When she "saw David, she quickly got off her donkey. She bowed down in front of David with her face toward the ground. She fell at his feet. She said, "Please let me speak to you, sir. Listen to what I'm saying." Even considering the customs of the place and time, that seems a little excessively polite.

The she said "Let me take the blame myself...I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to see the men you sent." This is where people start saying, "See, she is a co-dependent, taking the blame for someone else's mistakes!" Not so fast! She is not REALLY taking the blame for anything. She "didn't get a chance" to see the men David sent. All she is doing here is deflecting the attention away from Bobbo. She is an operator. Her manipulative skills make David look like a beginner. But, she goes too far when she says, "Don't pay any attention to that evil man Bobbo. His name means Foolish Person. And that's exactly what he is. He's always doing foolish things." Her contempt for her husband really spills out here. People aren't that interested in seeing your dirty laundry. There are much more genteel ways to express that you don't approve of another person's actions.

She is good though. She really knows how to butter up her opponent. "Sir, the Lord has kept you from killing Bobbo and his men. He has kept you from using your own hands to get even (italics mine). May what's about to happen to Bobbo happen to all of your enemies. (BTW How did she know something was about to happen to him? Was she planning something?) May it also happen to everyone who wants to harm you. And may it happen just as surely as the Lord and you are alive."I've brought a gift for you. Give it to the men who follow you. Please forgive me for what I've done wrong. "The Lord will certainly give you and your family line a kingdom that will last. That's because you fight the Lord's battles. Don't do anything wrong as long as you live. "Someone may chase you and try to kill you. But the Lord your God will keep your life safe like a treasure that is hidden in a bag. And he'll destroy your enemies. Their lives will be thrown away, just as a stone is thrown from a sling. "The Lord will do for you every good thing he promised to do. He'll appoint you leader over Israel. When that happens, you won't have this heavy load on your mind. You won't have to worry about how you killed people without any reason. You won't have to worry about how you got even. The Lord will give you success. When that happens, please remember me."

Now how did she learn to smooth things over like that? I'm guessing from her mom. She probably came from a dysfunctional home that mirrored her married life.

And, dysfunctional David ate it with a spoon. David said to Abigail, "Give praise to the Lord. He is the God of Israel. He has sent you today to find me. May the Lord bless you for what you have done. You have shown a lot of good sense. You have kept me from killing Nabal and his men this very day. You have kept me from using my own hands to get even. "It's a good thing you came quickly to meet me. If you hadn't come, not one of Nabal's men would have been left alive by sunrise. And that's just as sure as the Lord, the God of Israel, is alive. He has kept me from harming you." Then David accepted from her what she had brought him. He said, "Go home in peace. I've heard your words. I'll do what you have asked."

Bobbo is not the only fool. See, David's problem is that he DOESN'T take responsibility for any of his actions. First Bobbo made him do it, then Abigail made him not do it, all the while he wants God to back up his foolish knee-jerk reaction. Yeah, he'd make a good king - spineless, in need of anger management, and more interested in getting even than doing the right thing. Well, he was a youngest child and probably accustomed to getting his own way.

"Abigail went back to Bobbo. He was having a dinner party in the house. It was the kind of dinner a king would have. He had been drinking too much wine. He was very drunk. So she didn't tell him anything at all until sunrise. The next morning Nabal wasn't drunk anymore. Then his wife told him everything. When she did, his heart grew weak. He became like a stone. About ten days later, the Lord struck Bobbo down. And he died."

Oh! So, someone COULD talk to him. That someone was Abigail, providing she chose the right time. But, why did he stroke out like that? Did he get so mad his blood pressure went through the roof? Or, was this the first time she ever stood up to him? If so, what gave her the courage to do it this time as compared with all other times. Had she already decided she was done with him? Questions, questions.

"David heard that Bobbo was dead. So he said, "Give praise to the Lord. Bobbo made fun of me (oh boo-hoo, poor baby). But the Lord stood up for me. He has kept me from doing something wrong. He has paid Bobbo back for the wrong things he did." Well, yes, David was kept from doing a horrendous act. And, for that he really should praise God. However, had he been ready for it, God might have also had opportunity to show him that he does not have to lose his temper every time he has a presumed right to do so. He could be a grown-up and ignore it when someone makes fun of him. It is not necessary to act like a spoiled child everytime things don't go his way. It is possible to do a good deed without expecting something in return.

"Then David sent a message to Abigail. He asked her to become his wife. His servants went to Carmel. They said to Abigail, "David has sent us to you. He wants you to come back with us and become his wife." Abigail bowed down with her face toward the ground. She said, "Here I am. I'm ready to serve him. I'm ready to wash the feet of his servants." Abigail quickly got on a donkey and went with David's messengers. Her five female servants went with her. She became David's wife." Here is where the wisdom of Abigail falls short. She jumps from the frying pan into the fire. And, she did this quickly, hardly with any thought.

Surely she had other choices than jumping from one addicted husband to another. Bobbo had his rages, stupidity, and booze. David had his dangerous road-rage-pay-you-back-at-any-cost type anger. And David was addicted to women. He was already twice married and only once divorced. ("David had also gotten married to Ahinoam from Jezreel. Both of them became his wives. But Saul had given his daughter Michal, David's first wife, to Paltiel.)

What could have caused Abigail to have so little self worth? Other than living with an abusive husband, of course. Did she feel like she was not worth anything on her own. Did she feel she had to be with a man at any cost? Way back then we see the same old problem. The abused don't think they are worth anything better. How sad.

But, the hope that the Bible gives us is that God can work with anyone-regardless of their issues or their past. Even David and Abigail. When we are ready for it, He is prepared to give us the experiences that can give us growth. And, HE is capable of picking up the pieces of those wounded on the way. That's no co-dependency!

Note: For the Bible text I used the New International Reader's Version available at crosswalk.com

Rip the hearts right out of our chests and stomp those suckers flat

2006-04-09T22:27:00.000-07:00

They were in the prime of life but both beyond "marriagable age". She had never found Mr. Right, although many had applied for the position. He had been through one disasterous relationship. He wasn't precisely burned, but, certainly careful. They were introduced through friends. He read every single word of her blog before meeting her.

As love would have it they were lucky. Two very fine people who recognised each other's qualities. Bloggers both, they delighted us with tales of their adventures. Since they lived a continent apart and across an international border, it was a sometimes long-distance relationship. That was all meant to change with the faithfully blogged "popping of the question." They planned a wedding to remember for exactly one year from the date they met. Now posts were about the preparations.

Mere weeks before the big event, he got a bad diagnosis. She raced to his side and never left it. Posts were now about treatments and options until it got down to the grim fatality of, "How much time is left?" Many friends, old and new, on-line and otherwise, and "virtual" strangers logged on and left comments of support, hope and prayer.

There was never any question that they would still get married as planned. The only question was when. Finally it was settled to go with the originally scheduled date but very scaled down.

He barely made it to his own wedding, sick as he was. He couldn't get off the floor the night before and would have been hospitalized had not his father-in-law and the grandmother of his wife's niece hovered over him tending him tenderly. (And if THAT isn't true love, I'd like to know what is!) She barely made it to the wedding-it took her that long to compose herself. He was rushed to the hospital as soon as "I do" was said. He was admitted for 9 days. As soon as he was able he blog-bragged about being "off the market". Told us the story in his own words. We all cried.

Plucky couple kept us all up to date. He was blogging about his toy trains just 10 days before he passed away-which was just over two months after they got married. She proceeded to blog his memory and the grief process. She told us that in spite of everything it was worth it. Tears fell on keyboards all over the world.

And Jesus wept.